Empathy Without Exhaustion: How to Support Properly
We often talk about empathy: how it is important in relationships, how it helps us to be closer to each other. But what is true empathy? How to support a person so that they actually feel better, and not the other way around – even worse? And why sometimes we, calling ourselves empathetic, are actually only exhausting ourselves? We understand together with the leader of empathy support groups in the "Unbreakable" Center from the "Masha Foundation" Yulia Galagan.
Empathy is not about "diving into someone else's pain"
Often people think that empathy is the ability to feel someone else's pain as if it were your own. But this is not at all the case. Psychologist of the "Unbreakable" Mental Recovery Center Yulia Galagan explains the difference:
– German trainer in non-violent communication, doctor and support group leader Irmtraut Kaushat came up with a metaphor that very clearly explains the essence of empathy in the context of everyday communication. Imagine a washing machine that is working. You put your hand on it and feel how it moves, how the mechanisms work inside. This gives you an understanding of the process. But you don't need to jump inside the machine to feel this movement from the inside. Empathy works the same way, – explains the psychologist of the "Masha Foundation" Yulia Galagan. – We can be there, we can feel the mood of a person, but we don't need to "dive" into their state, as if it were our own.
This is a very important point. Because if a person perceives other people's emotions as their own, and cannot separate them, they become exhausted. Often such people say: "I am too empathetic, everyone tells me something, and then I feel broken." But this is not about empathy – it is about the lack of internal boundaries.
– If a person "merges" with the feelings of another, this is not support, but a loss of their own balance, – says Yulia Galagan. – In this case, you should pay attention to your boundaries and understand why it is difficult for you to separate your feelings from others. There is a theory that usually such hypersensitive people, who let everything pass through themselves, have problems with their parents in the past. Because when you do not learn to separate from the emotions of other people, you can only drown in them.
How to support empathetically?
To support empathetically, it is important not only to feel, but also to understand your intentions in the conversation. After all, the same dialogue can cause completely different reactions, depending on the context.
– When a person comes to us with emotions, we do not always realize that we ourselves can be in a different "space" – for example, in a logical, rational one. And the person needs something completely different – just to be heard, – explains the psychologist. – And here it is important to understand your intention. Am I ready now to engage in emotional support, or am I more focused on a rational solution to the problem?
A simple example: a person has a headache, and they talk about their difficult day. One way to respond is empathetic: "It was difficult for you, I hear you." Another is rational: "Take an analgesic." Both can be correct – the main thing is that it coincides with the needs of the person at this moment.
– We can directly ask: "How can I help you now? Do you want to just tell or get specific advice?" This is a very simple way to avoid misunderstandings and support a person in the way they really need, – adds Yulia Galagan.
Empathy does not exhaust, it fills
True empathy gives a feeling of connection, not exhaustion. This is the case when a person to whom you have provided empathetic support says: "Yes, you understood me." And even if they answer "No, this is not quite what I feel" – this is also a step towards a deeper understanding of each other:
– At such moments, you feel that you do not just exist in your world, but truly connect with another person. This is not about "I am two arms, two legs and a stomach", I am something much more, much deeper – about real contact, – explains the leader of the support groups.
It turns out that empathy is not about dissolving in other people's emotions, but about the ability to be there, to hear both yourself (your intentions and state), and another person. And if we learn to support properly, it will help not only others, but also ourselves. After all, true empathy fills and gives resources, and does not exhaust.
