When "Safe" Becomes "Scary": The Impact of Parental Abuse on Children

What happens when a child turns to their caregiver for comfort, only to be met with pain? We, as humans, instinctively categorize our world into "safe" and "unsafe." "Safe" individuals are those who provide protection, care, and unwavering support. This triggers an approach system in a child: they run towards their caregiver, seeking help and reassurance. Conversely, "unsafe" individuals activate an avoidance system: the child flees from danger, becoming withdrawn and silent.

These contrasting strategies involve a complex interplay of hormones, neurotransmitters, and brain regions, which cannot function simultaneously.

But what transpires when a "safe" figure suddenly becomes "unsafe"? When a parent inflicts physical punishment (pushing, hitting, slapping) or resorts to yelling, insults, and threats, it transcends a mere disciplinary lapse. It shatters the very foundation of attachment, becoming an act of abuse. Regardless of the underlying reasons – be it helplessness, exhaustion, or a misguided belief in its effectiveness – the impact on the child is devastating. The parent transforms into a source of danger, perceived by the child's psyche as "unsafe," someone to escape from. But where can they go? Who will protect them? With no safe haven in sight, the child is trapped, unable to approach or retreat, as conflicting neural pathways clash: "Come here, stay away!" How can they navigate this chaos?

The Price of Adaptation

All experiences of terror, humiliation, rage, and helplessness are compartmentalized, sealed away as the psyche lacks the capacity to process them. Often, these experiences are repressed, seemingly forgotten, and life continues as if nothing happened. The child's behavior may shift, seeking affection and approval by becoming obedient and compliant. Yet, the brain is not a sieve; nothing truly vanishes. These emotions resurface in various ways:

• Uncontrollable aggression, tantrums lasting extended periods.
• Sleep disturbances: nightmares, night terrors, difficulty falling asleep.
• Phobias, where fear is displaced onto other objects (darkness, insects, animals, open spaces).
• Self-harm, as the child directs suppressed rage inwards.
• Harm towards others, peers, or animals.

The Pursuit of Perfection

Children can adapt to any environment, even unsafe ones. This triggers defense mechanisms that shield them from external harm while suppressing their own feelings.

The more severe the trauma, the more intellectual development is hindered. We cannot grow, explore, or be curious when in danger, and a shouting parent is a potent threat.

The most common defense is control, manifesting as aggression, dominance, or perfectionism, aiming to please and earn love.

In extreme cases of dysfunctional family dynamics, children may resort to:

• Deviant behavior.
• Over-conformity: striving for excellence, obedience, hiding flaws, and constant appeasement.

Due to their egocentric nature and loyalty, children often blame themselves.

They internalize a sense of inadequacy, believing their feelings are invalid and unreliable.

These children often become adults who tolerate abuse, rationalizing it with phrases like, "I was beaten, and I turned out fine."

Loneliness, shame, and guilt become constant companions. Coping mechanisms involve avoidance and denial, leading to children who seem "fine" or "indifferent."

Accumulated aggression often turns inward, manifesting as self-destructive behaviors: self-harm, self-loathing, suicidal thoughts, and obsessive-compulsive tendencies.

Love for Shame

Another common scenario involves a parent who alternates between loving and harsh. This is known as ambivalent attachment.

Or a parent who believes that yelling or insulting is for the child's benefit. The child then has a mixture of feeling loved and feeling humiliated. This is called "dysfunctional positive affect." Children try to make sense of this confusing information.

One can imagine what kind of men or women they will marry when they grow up.

Another typical situation with emotional abuse is when, after a conflict, the parent feels guilt and becomes very caring. They show love and attention, trying to make up for the harm they caused. After this happens many times, the child will start to cause trouble so that they can get the love and warmth.

What Can Be Done?

"I was beaten, and I turned out fine." This argument is often used. But let's ask ourselves: how would you have turned out if you hadn't been beaten? If all your mental resources had gone to development instead of survival? What would your relationship with your parents be like now? And what kind of relationship do you want with your child when they grow up? Children adapt to all situations, even unnatural ones. But at what cost? The child will pay for this adaptation with their mental health, because they will spend so much energy on survival and not on development.

The child will pay for what their parent thought was right to punish physically or yelled at the child out of helplessness.

Every time you choose love and care over violence and punishment, you give your child more than just safety. You give them a chance to grow into a happy, confident, and whole person. And remember: children do not choose their parents. But parents can always choose what they will be for their children.

These consequences can be avoided if you start working on yourself in time, calling things by their names.