The Power of Letting Go: How to Raise Resilient and Independent Kids
When my son was little, he loved to run down our driveway. Of course, he would fall. Then he would come back to me to see if he had fallen hard. If my face showed concern or I gasped, he would start to cry. If I remained calm, he would dust himself off and run again. It was a revelation for me to realize that I could have such a strong influence on his psychological state. This little creature relied on me for everything: not just how to tie his shoelaces or read the alphabet, but also how to feel.
Years later, when he was in high school, this lesson was reminded of itself again. One evening, while doing homework, my son told me about a classmate who was behaving rudely at lunch. My first impulse was to rush in and fix the situation: write to the parents, call the school, demand that action be taken. (Calling his teachers would be difficult given my position as a school principal). But instead, I paused and then said, "Sounds like a problem. What do you think?"
"I decided not to interact with him for a while," my son replied. "Instead, I'll try to play soccer during lunch break."
"That's a great solution," I said, and he went back to his homework.
These ordinary moments of parenting revealed an important truth to me: sometimes the best thing a parent can do is to do nothing at all.
Parents of any age can recall the feeling they experienced when they first held their child in their arms and thought, "Oh! Here you are, the person I am responsible for." Any parent will confirm that there is no pedagogical wisdom that can prepare you for this new, magical, frightening moment. Raising children is a joyful, complex, and sometimes difficult task. Some experts even believe that parenting changes people's mental state.
There is no doubt that many parents are in dire need of additional support. However, we are missing one important strategy that is available to every parent: looking in the mirror. What if the way we raise our children makes life difficult for both them and us? What if, by doing less, parents will contribute to better outcomes for both children and themselves?
For the past 30 years, I have worked in schools and observed how thousands of parents interact with educators and their children. Too often I have seen parents go too far, depriving children of the confidence that comes from struggle and perseverance. They exhaust themselves in the process. While this has been true throughout my career, this problem is now becoming increasingly acute. Most people are now confident that young people will live worse than their parents. They see increasing competition for fewer resources, whether it is entering college, jobs, or housing. Parents are trying to make sure that children can get ahead.
We are biologically wired so that we do not want our children to suffer, and watching their struggles can be painful. The first parental instinct is often to remove obstacles in the child's path. Obstacles that seem difficult for the child, but easily surmountable for us. This aspiration has led to the emergence of an intrusive parenting style, including the "helicopter parent" who flies in to rescue the child in a crisis situation, and the "snowplow parent" who destroys any obstacle in the child's path. A teenager who is used to parental interference in their affairs begins to believe that they are not capable of acting independently, and this only fuels anxiety and dependence.
I want to talk about a different role - the role of the lighthouse parent. The lighthouse parent acts as a stable, reliable guide, providing safety and clarity, but does not control every aspect of the child's journey. Here is an example: a child comes home upset that they are doing "all the work" for a large group project that is due next week. An overly caring parent is ready to offer a whole series of next steps: "Why don't you assign to other group members what they have to do?". "You have to put your name next to all the details you did so that the teacher can give you due credit." "I'm going to send an email to the teacher so she knows you're doing all the work." These tactical tricks can eliminate the symptoms, but they are not able to solve the underlying problem. Moreover, they inadvertently make it clear to the child that parental involvement is needed. Sometimes a child needs to be simply acknowledged: "Wow, how much you have done!", "I see that you are trying very hard," "Do you have any ideas what to do about it?".
The lighthouse shines for sailors so that they do not crash into the rocks. Lighthouse parents set firm boundaries and provide emotional support, allowing children to freely cope with difficulties on their own. They demonstrate trust and allow their children to cope with difficult situations independently. The main thing is to understand when to step back and allow them to find their own way.
One of the most important steps that parents can take is to learn to replace the desire to solve problems with patience and a willingness to listen. Problem-solving thinking is aimed at a quick solution, suppressing or containing emotions, discomfort. Being able to listen means allowing emotions to exist, without rushing to solve the problem. The ability to listen teaches resilience; it conveys confidence in the child's ability to cope with problems, no matter how difficult they may be.
As children grow, parents should move from the role of a boss to the role of a consultant. While children are small, we make almost all decisions for them: from what they eat to when (theoretically) they sleep. Gradually, we create independent adults from them, who have assimilated our values and are able to embody them in the world. At least that is the idea.
If children do not have the opportunity to get on their feet, we risk putting them at risk. To grow, they must experience difficulties, make mistakes and learn from them. In fact, any skill - programming, drawing, or sports - requires repeated mistakes before it is mastered. And yet, in an educational space fueled by the perception of mistakes, students can learn an unconscious message that mistakes are irreversible and have no value. Too many children think that parents want to get their perfect report card, and in pursuit of this unattainable goal, they sacrifice opportunities for development.
The reluctance to admit mistakes can be most noticeable when it comes to discipline. Teenagers cross boundaries - this is part of growing up. When they do this, they receive feedback for the action and ideally learn the necessary values. When a teenager cheats on a test or comes to a school dance intoxicated, one component of the school's response is disciplinary action - this is a way of feedback. At this moment, students do not thank us for applying punishment. I have not yet heard a student who was suspended from classes say: "Thank you for helping me learn a lesson that I will need in college and beyond." Instead, they say: "It's unfair" or "Other guys did the same." It is at this moment that parents should stand shoulder to shoulder with the school, conveying a clear and consistent message to support the child's development. But parents are often more concerned about the child's future admission to college than about them learning valuable lessons. When parents try to control the learning outcomes of children, they exchange short-term victories for long-term prosperity.
In the 1960s, psychologist Diana Baumrind described three parenting styles, which researchers eventually expanded to four: authoritarian, permissive, uninvolved, and authoritative. Authoritarian parents make decisions for children, leaving no room for negotiation. Permissive parents avoid conflict, setting few boundaries, which often leads to their children having difficulty with discipline and concentration. Uninvolved parents do not participate in the child's life, providing minimal support. Authoritative parents allow for some flexibility, combining clear expectations with a willingness to listen. Authoritative parents are lighthouse parents. They clearly define values, but at the same time are open to different ways of embodying these values in life. They balance between structure and autonomy. Studies show that authoritative parenting yields the best results for children and usually leads to the emergence of happy and competent adults. Although this scheme may seem simple or even intuitive, it is difficult for many parents to adhere to it.
At different times, each parent exhibits authoritarianism, permissiveness, non-intervention, or authority, depending on the situation and what is happening in their own life. But do not forget to look at upbringing in perspective, focusing on long-term results, not on benefits. This will help reduce the stress associated with raising children, as well as achieve better results for them.
Yes, being a parent is not easy. But when we trust children to go their own way, and we ourselves are reliable and supportive guides, we lighten our own burden and give them the opportunity to become happy.
